Change

Being an O/C I hate change. That is putting it mildly. This week my husband who has worked 2-10:30 PM for 9 years switched to 6:-2:30 PM for the next 7 weeks. So instead of going to bed about 11:30 or so and getting up between 8-9 AM we have to be in bed by 10:00 and are up at 5AM. My body is resisting this change.
Yesterday I accused Jon of being crabby. Truth be told, I am crabby too. Add to the lack of sleep, either going to sleep or getting to sleep in, the temperature has hit 95+ for the first time this year.
This evening I realized that instead of being a willing servant, I felt like a slave. You know the saying" You can tell if you are serving with humility by how you react to being treated like a servant."
It was a minor thing. I watered and wanted Jon to pull the heavy hose back over the fence for me. He had his sox and shoes off and said "you should have asked me while I had my shoes on".
In a typical huffy attitude, I slunk out and DID IT MYSELF.
That is when the Lord reminded me of a parable that Jesus told in the book of Luke:
Suppose you were a master and had servant that was out plowing in the field. Would you say to him,' Come on in and sit down to eat?' No you would ask him to serve your dinner.( it's his job). Would you thank the servant because he served?( no is implied) So you, when you have done everything you have been told to do should say,' We are servants only doing our job'."
So I was only doing my job and frankly, on a non-crabby day, I am thankful to do so. I hope to sleep better and a vow to not be crabby tomorrow, no matter what!

Happy Birthday

I was born on December 19, 1945 in Brooklyn NY into the Edwin Lobdell family. My Father was still in Japan at the time. I was two months old before he ever saw me.
There is a favorite story told that my Mother sent a telegram. The name was so messed up on the telegram that it took a couple of days for them to figure out who on board ship it belonged to
So why the birthday title?
Well,June 27, 1972 I was born again into God's forever family. Unlike my physical Dad, who had to wait to find out about my birth, there was instantaneous celebration in Heaven instigated by my Heavenly Father.
That day forever changed my destiny and daily life. I found I had power to avoid the destructive things that had bound me for so long. I also have assurance of the Father's love. One of the best things that has been so precious to me all these years is internal peace.
So Happy Birthday to me. Thanks Father!

Love me more?

I am not sure why song lyrics touch my heart so but they do.
Question sung:
"Do I think that you will love me more if I win all my battles?"
Answer in my heart- Yes.
Truth- that is a lie.
How do I know?
God chose to show his love and send Jesus to die for me while I was still his enemy. There is not greater love than that.
So I will rest on the days I struggle so- which are more than I like - and know he loves me fully each day.

Throw up

To throw up or vomit is to disgorge the contents of your stomach. Yuck. Just writing it is gross. Our oldest daughter seemed to have an inability to ever deposit the above mentioned contents in the correct place. We never knew why this was true but it sure was aggravating. If she made it all the way into the bathroom, the sink or tub became the receptacle, if she had not already covered the floor. Since these flu incidents were rare, perhaps they caught her by surprise and she was unprepared.
I remember an event at her Father 's house where she had been sick and was laying on the floor one half of her body in the bathroom and half out. He was disturbed but she refused to move, that way saving her steps .
The last three mornings our dog have taken up where Ruth left off. He had thrown up while I was still blurry eyed from sleep, We are not sure why but probably the fireworks have caused him to develop a gastritis! You know, the fireworks that are only to be available the 5 days before the 4th. Hopefully tomorrow morning will be uneventful.
As I have cleaning up the mess the first morning, I wondered to myself if there was a message here for me. First, throwing up is the stomach's way of getting rid of a foreign object( peach pit or rubber band) or tainted food. Next, it can be a sign of infection from a bacteria. Third, it can be from a an unknown cause but still a vital sign.
So when my life needs cleansing, do I throw up and out, negative thoughts and speech? Do I get rid of things that are foreign to a daughter of the King, like rage, slander, malice and resentment? Do I see signs in my life of a creeping infection of sin in my life that needs to be thrown out?
The solution for Buddy is a restricted diet, mainly rice, cottage cheese and the like. Perhaps I need that too when I find things need to be thrown out of my life. A diet of sunshine, meditative walks, good reading material and worshipful music.
Well, enough on this 'gross' subject.

Detour

This morning I was driving to a friend's house on a very familiar road. Part of the way there, I saw a detour sign. Smugly I said to myself" Well that is for others. I will not need to follow that since I can get to Wellsely without a problem." So on my way I went and lo and behold, I came to a road block.
" Well, what is this?" I asked myself. I could not go where I wanted to go. Someone had blocked the way temporarily and inconvenienced me. The nerve!
My smugness was gone and I sheepishly had to turn around and follow the detour sign to reach my destination. They really HAD meant for me to follow the sign. I was no exception to the rule. They were not going to bend it for me.
Isaiah says, ' All we like sheep have gone our own way.' Going our own way is what God calls sin. It is like seeing the sign that says 'detour' and refusing to follow the directions, feeling it was not really meant for YOU. As though life is about YOU.
As in my having to re-route my trip, there are consequences when we go our own way. The ultimate is eternal death - life without love and light and the presence of God. If we want to go that way, we can. But we also have to live with the consequences. However,unlike my adventure today, they are eternal.
Think about that and next time, do as I say, not as I did, follow the detour sign.

Follow the directions

They say that men hate directions. In fact, I have said that myself. But yesterday I fell prey to that too.
It was Father's day and I have big plans for Jon who has been a very good Father to our girls. I made a new recipe of apple and cinnamon muffins with a brown sugar streusel on top. Yummy! I was careful to double check the ingredients twice.( I am not obsessive). When I finally had it all in the pan, God reminded me that I had neglected one IMPORTANT thing. I forgot the grease the cups. UGH. Now I had to scoop the batter out, wash the pan, grease and then refill. If not, I would have had to have a chisel to get them out, no matter how great they looked.
I have a terrible sewing story that goes along that same line. If you have heard it, the way I usually tell it focuses on how ugly the finished product was and how I decided to wear it anyway and humiliated myself and my family at church on Easter Sunday( many years ago, OK?). Anyway, what I fail to tell is that I did not check to see what type of material the pattern required. After all I have made the skirt before. How complicated could it be. Just seam it up. Make a casing for the elastic and thread the elastic through and there you have it. So, no, I did not check the directions and yes,the finished product was bad all the way around. It had a short closet life- one night.
Directions are so critical that even omitting one thing, you can mess the whole thing up.
So be careful that you follow the directions of what you are doing, be it sewing, cooking, or running your life. The manufacturer knows best, whether it is Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterick or God. Read carefully for best results.
I bet you have your own stories and I would love to hear them.

Customer service?

Have you ever called to get customer service and gotten more aggravated than you were before you called? Perhaps you are put on hold, only to be disconnected. Frankly, I think that that tactic is to cut down their workload. Or maybe you are number 10 holding with a wait time the length of a movie! Or my new favorite, the 'voice mail is full, call another time.'
Now, I would not have called if it was not urgent. I need my whatever serviced or resolved or whatever and I want it now. After all, isn't the name SERVICE? Doesn't that mean help,or useful labor? Can't be either if they do not even know my need. After all, it's about me.
Many times we treat prayer that way too. We see God as a customer service agent. As long as we get what we want in a timely manner, we are satisfied. We act as though here too, it is about us. Our true priorities show when we pray. Do we list what we want or, like Jesus, ask God what he wants? Do we remember that our lives are meant to revolve around His will, not vice versa.
Listen to yourself next time you pray. Remember that you are not on the phone with a customer service representative but talking to the King of the universe, offering to do his will, even when it's hard, or you have to wait longer than you want to.
And, unlike the CS rep, God does know what you need, before you ask and moves to meet that need, not put you on hold.

Lost

Today I am grieving the loss of the special bracelet that Ruth made me for my Bible Study- blue to remember who I belong to and to live to honor him. I have looked high and lo and called the store where I was earlier and can't find it. I am sick.
As I talked to God about it, knowing he knows right where it is, I thought about how He marks us with his Spirit when we surrender to Him and that can't ever be lost.
Then I thought about how my loss does not compare to the loss of my friend Pamela. I merely lost a very sentimental bracelet, while she lost her dearly loved spouse. That puts it in perspective.
Still, I am feeling the loss, sad for the work my dear daughter did on it. And I am praying for a miracle, to find it safe and sound. I will keep you posted.

It's not about me.

As a dear friend and I were walking this evening,( even though it was 90+!) we talked about my 'performance thing'. When I shared with her last week on our walk, I was crushed , well at least slightly, that she was not surprised that I have this driving need for applause, approval and attention.
Anyway, today as we talked, she said something so simple and yet so profound.
" Aren't you glad that it's not about you? What a relief that it's all about God and for His glory and pleasure. What pressure it would be if it all depended upon you."
I laughed at the time but in retrospect, she is so right, I could laugh for the rest of my life. Laugh for joy. Why have I always made it about me? How nervous I am. How I will feel in that situation. How I will be able to do THAT.
The words to a song from Saturday night say it all:
'Your grace has set me free.'
Grace versus shame. Shame says that I am defective. Grace says that I am not perfect and never will be. But God extends his grace and covers my sin, my mess ups, my selfishness, with Jesus blood. He makes me effective( as opposed to the defectiveness of shame). He gives me approval and attention and delights in me and sings over me. Not because of what I do, but whose I am, HIS. No performance needed. I rest on Jesus' performance. He said, "It is finished". I can't add to it, nor do I have to.
Yes, His grace has set me free.

Backing up

My Son -in-law drives truck for a living and is a very good driver. Yesterday he took us on a ride in his new pickup to tour the pricey homes in the area. But before we took off he had to get gas. That is when it happened. He simply backed up , full speed to the correct pump. I had to close my eyes and hang on for dear life. Not that he was driving dangerously. It just felt dangerous. In fact, it would have been, if I had done that.
The last night I had a dream about driving my car, though it was not my car, if your know what I mean. Anyway, I was driving my car backwards, full speed. It was scary and not scary. I did not seem to think there was anything wrong in what I was doing except that I was not making any progress forward.
That reminded me that when I was learning to drive, my 'teacher'( my boyfriend, who later became my husband) made me backup for a hour straight until I was in tears and in need of a strait jacket!
I thought about that dream today and wondered if, in fact, I sometimes face life that way, trying to go forward, but looking in the rearview mirror the whole time. By doing that I see only my past hurts and failures. That keeps me from going on in my life, just rethinking and refeeling the past.
Paul said it this way:
" Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me- eternity with him."
So, while my son - in- law can back up artfully, I will keep me eyes forward and drive into tomorrow, assured of God's plan for me.

Snails revisited

An article in the paper today about snails, reopened my hatred of them( sorry PETA members). There were a few clues about them that gave good insight. One reason they are so prolific is that they are hermaphrodites and all have the potential to lay eggs. They lay up to 80 eggs at a time, 6 times a year!
There were details about bait too. They admitted what I have known all along, that they eat it until it makes them feel full and they stop and die. But note that they are EATING, despite the bait you put out. And it take a few days before they ingest lethal amounts.
The lady in the article handpicked snails every evening! As if I didn't have anything else to do. And she had a tortoise to feed them to, which I don't. I don't think I can train my dog to eat them.
All this was swirling around in my head when I read Habakkuk, in the Old Testament this morning. And you thought your name was bad! But the last verses were gardening verses and I decided to do my own paraphrase.
Though the marigolds are eaten to the ground by snails and the petunias fail to bloom, thanks to the cutworm. Though the fuschias succumb to whiteflies and the rose bush only makes leaves. Though the tomato worm gets the tomatoes and the melons fail to set blossoms, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, the master gardener. I will find joy in God my Savior and not let the curse of Adam to keep me from enjoying the Creator of my flowers and bugs.
And as a recovery promise, I will not obsess about plants that die under my care.

Tired of trying to measure up.

Yes, that performance theme has been working in my mind all week.
A poem begs to be written.

Once there was a girl
Who never seemed to measure up
No matter where she turned.

She couldn't be like her brother.
He was smart, very smart.
He was quiet and calm.
People measured the girl against him
She never matched up.

She didn't live up to her potential at school
She struggled with concepts that others got quickly.
She just had to try harder than most.

At church, the tape measure was evident too.
She was wounded, broken.
She did so want to shine for God
To memorize, to study, to speak up.

In the beauty department she failed too.
She had freckles and pimples
In Jr. High a boy called her 'Gobby'
They humiliated her for not being fashionable.

Worse yet, she was a disappointment to her Mom.
She could not type.
She was awkward in high heels
Her clothes didn't match.

In romance she was unlucky too.
Used, not loved.
Abandoned, rejected
Always the tape, confirming her defects.

Then she decided to check out what God had to say.
She discovered that Jesus measured up.
So she did not have to.
So she could rest and trust his performance.

God offered grace, unmerited favor.
Love without self-effort
Love just because.

Now at last she was free.
No more tapes.
In heaven's eyes she was beautiful!
Precious
Desired
Accepted
Chosen
Included

She did not have to try harder anymore. Just rest in what Christ had done.
FREE.

I'm big enough

Today I was about to walk our dog when he decided to go out the door without his gentle leader and leash. It was as though he was saying,
" I'm a big dog. That thing is embarrassing. I don't need it".
That triggered a memory of our middle grandson. He was about 5 or 6 when this event took place. Jon usually let him sit in his lap and steer on the way to and from the swimming pool in our Mobile Home Park. On this particular day, Micah turned to his Papa and said,
"This is embarrassing. You just sit in the other seat while I drive." Of course, Jon tried not to laugh since Micah was so serious!
While I was out in my car this evening, I heard one of my favorite songs again. Some of the words reminded me of how I am like Buddy or Micah, telling God that I am a big girl and can handle things on my own, at least this time and how disaster teaches me otherwise.
" You take the wheel, I'll work the radio. You take the wheel , We'll go where you want to go.... Whatever you choose, I'm fine, You drive, I'll ride. It's good I don't drive. It never gets me too far. I like it on this side. It's not even my car. You're driving with perfection. Now I've learned my lesson.
That about says it all.

Treadmill

I discovered I have been on a treadmill. You know, that thing people buy to get healthy and end up using to put their clothes on rather than hang them up. That thing that goes and goes but never goes anywhere. The scenery is boring and the sense of the useless is pervasive.
So, imagine my discovering I have been on one most of my life and didn't realize it. How can that be , you ask? Well my treadmill is not physical but spiritual. It is the treadmill of performance where I am doing things for God rather than doing life with God. The works versus grace treadmill.
Need an example? Luke gives one in his gospel. Mary and Martha have Jesus and his group at their house. Mary is doing life with Jesus and Martha is doing things for Jesus. Jesus says that Mary has found the one thing, the best thing. He is referring to her sitting at his feet, adoring him, listening to him and soaking up his love and grace. Martha is running around, serving with a huffy attitude, a self-righteous attitude, a martyr attitude( and boy do I know that attitude well). She is worried and distracted about many things. And the worst part is that she , like me, does not realize that she is on a treadmill going nowhere.
Solution? Make knowing God the goal of my life. Not book learning, but personal experience as in" Adam knew Eve and she conceived". That kind of knowing. Not to confuse you, that has been my longing, but I do have a cruel taskmaster in my head that pushes me to do more, make more lists, complete more tasks. As though God will love me more if I am productive. Yet, He says that 'it is not by works of righteousness that I have done, but by His grace, lavish grace', from first to last.
So, anyone need a good but overworked treadmill that is still in good shape? It even has the guarantee in effect, too!

Short cuts!

Today it was 91 degrees and summer is here for sure, despite the calendar which says not until the 21st. And being the cheapskate that I am, I don't use my AC in town, the stop and go is hard on my engine I tell myself. Don't want the radiator to boil over( though it never has in THIS car)! So that makes my tale 'HOT'.
I spent most of the afternoon at the hospital encouraging a friend through surgery. As you can imagine, by the time I returned to my car, it was like an oven inside. I rolled down the windows and headed to the freeway and the 30 minute trip home. Once on the freeway, I turned on the AC. AH! It felt so good. The only drawback was I had the right window down and was now unable to roll it up. Oh well, at least some cool air was blowing around the car and on me.
Up ahead I noted that the traffic was very slow.
"I hope that is not an accident", I thought to myself. "I want to get home, out of these clothes and really, why didn't I go the restroom before I left??? Well, I will just have to go with the flow."
Further up ahead there was a sign that said, through traffic left two lanes. Now, was I through traffic since I did not want to get off until Modesto? Or did I belong in the right lane now? I toyed with getting off in Ceres, to avoid the slow traffic, but decided to just creep along with everyone else.
As we entered the Modesto area, I decided to get off before my turn to expedite this process. Alas, so did everyone else. The traffic was backed up to the 7th street bridge from the off ramp.
" Short cut huh?"
Well, I turned off the AC and rolled down the window. No need to roll the other down now. What should have been a quick route turned into another 25- 30 minutes. It all seemed so logical to me. How could I now be sweating in my car, fearing someone would rear- end me on this side of town and probably not have insurance to boot. Why, oh why did I not just stick to the usual turn off? I thought I was such hot stuff. Well, I was HOT.
I did make it home, no dents, just sticky clothes and a good lesson learned. God says" don't lean on your own understanding." It can be flawed. Short cuts to God are about as effective as my short cut today. The only difference is that I did finally arrive at my destination. Short cuts with God may not turn out as well.

Lost

Yesterday as we were walking to dog, I must have dropped the house key. When we got home, there was NO key in my pocket! So I had to trudge back to the park and scan the grass praying for God to reveal it's whereabouts. As I walked, I thought about all the times that my Mother-in-law lost her contact and how God had revealed it to her. Once she dropped it while at church and could not find it. She went from church to lunch and prayed about it as she ate with her friends. When she returned to church, she walked into the narthex, looked down and lo and behold, there it was on the carpet. Not cracked or mashed, even though it was right in the line of traffic. How she rejoiced and I was still thinking about it as I looked for my key.
Yeah, God, there it was in a tuft of grass.
I wish that that was all I lost yesterday. But no! Later in the day, after running way too many errands, I took off my glasses in the closet as I stripped sweaty clothes for a shower. After I was refreshed, I could not find my glasses. Unfortunately they do not have a bell on them like my phone which I also misplace at times. I walked back into the closet and there they were on the floor and I almost stopped on them. They would have cracked for sure.
All that made me think of the three parables in Luke 15 - the lost coins, the lost sheep and the lost son. All talk about how God goes to any lengths necessary to find His lost ones. He relentlessly pursues them ,because He loves them. I guess that my new word, obsessed fits here, huh?
And, no, I do not have Alzheimers, I hope!!! Though I sure can't spell it.