Called alongside

Well, after a very HOT trip( 110+) we arrived home exhausted. Why didn't we go to the South Pole???
Yesterday I drug out the vacuum to suck up the ongoing shower of dog hair and was attacked by the hose. Well, to be honest, I tripped over it. The laminate flooring was not very soft and my foot and knee hurt like crazy. I lay there in a heap, trying not to yell out in the pain. I worried that I might have broken something and was home alone- far from the phone.
But, wonder of wonders, I was not alone. Buddy came running to me and stood there, close and comforting. That gave me courage to try and get up and I found, much to my surprise, that I was still all in one piece and could navigate just fine.
I thought about how he had come alongside me and remembered that the Holy Spirit is called the Helper, Comforter, or Counselor and literally that name means,' the one called alongside to help.' He guides and protects and encourages just like Buddy was doing for me. He buffers us from the raging storms of life, whether, emotional, physical or spiritual.
I have felt that not only in the physical, like when I fell, but in the emotional as I walk through this 'valley of the shadow.' His comfort is lifesaving.

911

This week I have been on overload with my OCD.
We are going away and a dear friend is house sitting for us. No ,she does not have to deal with Mr. Buddy. He is going to 'boot camp'. This is a vacation for her from her small apartment and we need someone to water.
The thing about having someone housesit is that I have cleaned places I have never thought to clean before and my kids think I am a neat freak already.
Have you seen the commercial for Monk on USA? He has the door knobs in the dishwasher. Well I can pride myself that I did not go that far, but as I scrubbed the door knob for the back door, the one most used, I decided that he had a good idea. NO, I did not remove them all and wash but just a thought for future reference. See- I am out of control.
Then it was the slider tracks. Full of saw dust from the remodel and dog hair, etc. UGH!
Even the area under my kitchen sink was not left untouched. I did find something there I can't mention, but will have to discreetly talk to my son in law about. Let's just say, S--- signs.
God showed me yesterday that OCD is worry.
Jesus said to Martha- who probably had OCD too,
' Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things. Your sister has chosen the better thing, sitting with me.'
It is true that my compulsive cleaning does distract from my love for and focus on the Lord.
Solution? I am not sure, but I am asking Father about it.

Tears

I have pondered how my Mom would feel if she was still alive.
The loss would be greater than I feel for she carried him and loved him all his life. They had a close relationship when he was small since my Dad was at war.
I know all too well that that love was smothering at times. But love it was.
Then my mind wondered how she felt in heaven when she saw his death.
Just a quickly God reminded that in heaven he wipes away all tears.
May that be so for me here on earth too.

Fathers

So many expectations for Fathers.
Which ones are yours?
They will be strong yet sensitive.
They will provide, like the tooth fairy- without being seen or heard.
They will have good answers- but not share them too frequently.
They will fix any and all problems, but leave us alone.
They will always be there until we don't need them.
They will be loving, sacrificial, faithful, helpful, present.
I have been thinking about Fathers already since the loss of my brother, leaving his adult children bereft.
My own Father was gentle and kind, like my brother. He tried to fix anything, including my Mom's emotions and anxieties. He invested a lot of time in me as a young girl- reading to me, playing games, just being with me. He was not always there for me, though it was not his fault. He died shortly after my divorce when I really needed him and I felt an orphan.
As my nephew said recently about his own Dad:
"He only had 3 cents to give, but he gave all he had. It was not enough but it was all he had."
The last expectation on the list is the one God meets.
He never dies.
He says he will never leave me or forsake me.
He is all knowing.
He is all powerful.
He is ever present.
He cares about me, even loves me beyond measure.
My Father let me down and my brother let his kids down. But God will never let me down.
You go GOD!

Impossible

Yesterday I single handedly plugged up the kitchen sink. Well, not on purpose mind you, but the fact was the same. Seems I did not run water long enough after I used the garbage disposal. Probably over the course of several months to be truthful.
We tried plan A: The old hose down the sink and towels in both sides and hope the pressure flushed it. HA!
The plan B : Run the hose up the outside drain and with me holding down the towels in the sinks. No water came up- Good. Well not in the sink, but the water flowed unimpeded up through the drain in the wash room- where the new laminate flooring is. So my error had created two crises.
We mopped, used the shop vac( which I managed to plug us) and then sat to consider our options.
"Well, if we just had some chewing gum, we would have it made".
"Huh?" my stunned husband said.
Well, Mcgyver can fix anything with the tin foil of chewing gum. Nothing is too hard for him."
" That is just a TV show. A very old TV show."
At that point, I began to cry. My brother had converted from Sponge Bob to Mcgyver recently and was working his way through the series.
I am amazed at what triggers the pain.
Just as quickly the Lord said,
' Try me. Nothing is too hard for me and that is a truth you can bank on. I don't even need tin foil or duct tape.'

Function?

Today I have been resting. Facing the loss is so painful and tiring.
Yet, the loss has a purpose.
It reminds me that:
" This world is not my home,"
" I'm just a passing through"
Life here can't be the focus of my hopes.
I am just a sojourner in a foreign land and not home yet.
How often I have forgotten that and lived as though my life and the lives of others close to me would go on forever. That makes the crushing blow of the loss so much greater.

Labor

Today my great grandson was born. The labor was a cycle of pain and relief, from which Alanah could not escape until it had done it's work- birthing blessed Jacob.
I am finding that grief is like that too. A cycle of deep sorrow and agony of loss and then denial takes over and relief settles for awhile. The difference is that there is no joy at the end, only the reality of loss.
Jesus said, let not your heart be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. He does NOT say, don't feel grief, just not be troubled by it.- Remedy: believe in God and Jesus Christ his son. God is Jehovah Shalom- The God of peace. Peace in the midst of the storm. He is not calming the storm but he is carrying me, his child for which I am grateful.

Memories

I may not have known my brother best but I have known him the longest. So many memories that we shared have been triggered these last days.
I found the email I had written last month about how to deal with pain. He had commented back that it helped him a lot in dealing with his IBS.
Early this morning I had a clear picture of him as he opened the little pouch he carried with herbs to take before we ate lunch.
As I voted I thought about how 'Monk' would not have been able to vote since it required filling in the bubble with a pencil. That led my thoughts to have my brother and I both loved that show. Our favorite was the one with' Monk' and the little boy.
Yet I know that I have forgotten so many things about my brother. Memories that are beyond my reach, perhaps forever.
God says he will never forget me. I am engraved on the palms of his hands. My life is ever before Him.
As the days go by and the loss seems to be' routine', I don't want to forget my brother either. I am praying that memories flow day by day to keep him real in my mind and heart.

What do I know?

As I have pondered my life with my brother, I realize there are many things I did not know about him.
I remember he was a big Dave Brubeck fan when he was in college and of classical music, too.
I know some of the things he read- like the Tony Hillerman books which we shared. In fact, he finished the last one while on his recent trip to the Grand Canyon which is set in that location.
I know he loved gardening like I do.
He loved 'his' hummingbirds and I have visions of him cooking up the nectar like he nutty professor.
He was awed by the creation around him, whether it was the majesty of the stars or the squirrels in his backyard.
He had a special tenderness for the mushers and their dogs in the Iditarod.
Like me, he loved stories of people who succeeded against great odds.
To the embarrassment of my family, like my brother, I wash out plastic bags and reuse them.
He liked to line up tea teas boxed just so and fill the dishwasher in a specific way.
But what was his favorite color? What were his dreams for the future, his fears in the dark of night, his feelings those last moments of life? These things, and many more, I do not know, but now wish I did.
As I wrote this I thought about a song we sing often about our relationship with God:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call.
There is not one thing that God does not know about me. That is a comfort.

Heaven?

I have been thinking about Heaven the last few days.
C. S. Lewis wrote a book called the Great Divorce. I have read it a couple of times but yesterday it came to me that the key concept was that for those who do not know God, heaven is hell!
Ponder that!

Life is not....

Today I meant to write about the movie I saw last weekend, Life is Beautiful.
But life today is not beautiful. My only brother died yesterday.
What was he like:
Very bright
Gentle
Loved animals, astronomy, and race cars
Treasured his family
Learned to love kids in these last years, beginning with his precious granddaughters
Volunteered his time to teach kids after his retirement
Patient to answer my questions about our family of origin
Had many quirks just like mine
He will be dearly missed
I have unanswered email
A book to return
A last hug never given
A faith I longed to give him
How can the day be so ordinary?
How will my heart move beyond numb to grief ?
When I let myself cry ,will I be able to stop?
In the end, Only God is eternal, won't die, divorce me or betray me. I stand on that in my newly changed world.

Mole hills

How time flies when you are busy making mountains out of mole hills.
We actually had moles when we lived in Idaho. As they burrow underground they do create mounds of dirt, but no one in their right mind would call them mountains.
Today I was obsessing over the brand of salad dressing to purchase! I had to get a grip and tell myself to stop making mountains out of mole hills.
Then it hit me that from now on I am going to make mole hills out of mountains.
More on that tomorrow when I share a movie I saw over the weekend that really impacted me.